November 7, 2009

I will not write meaningless posts.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under laughter, unemployment
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Some time ago I wrote a post about Bart Simpson chalkboard quotes and thought it would be fun to examine them again (and some of his other lines from the show) and see how Bart’s genius can be applied to all kinds of situations.  Yes, I’m stuck for a topic and didn’t really want to delve into a political discussion or the recent elections. So here goes.

  • You’re asking the wrong guy, Millhouse. They all look alike to me.

Yes Bart, it can be hard to distinguish between our elected officials at times but  everyone  should educate themselves on the issues and vote.

  • I am not certified to remove asbestos. I am not a dentist. Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

Even Bart can see the need to hire the right people for the right job. The latest unemployment numbers are scary but there are still skilled people out there so let’s get back to work!

  • I will not strut around like I own the place.

I’m only adding this for the benefit of a certain neighbor of mine. Just a little reminder to all of us to be considerate to others.

  • Underwear should be worn on the inside.

This was my bad. Once when I was babysitting my nephews I had to help the little one get dressed and I ended up putting his brother’s underwear on him over his diaper. Okay, it was early in the morning and I was a rookie.

  • I am not a 32 year-old woman.

But if you are a cute 32 year-old man, I could be.

  • You’re turning me into a criminal when all I wanna be is a petty thug.

More commentary about our elected officials and the news media. It’s funny and it’s not at the same time.

  • I will remember to take my medication.

And I hope the crazy woman down the street remembers, too.

  • All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.

I know you weren’t talking about me dear Bart. I am busy doing things like coming up with lame posts for my blog and walking Grendel.

bart-simpson-generator votea

 

 

 

 

 

November 3, 2009

Strange kids were knocking on my door expecting hand-outs.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Birthday, holiday
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It’s a weird tradition and for some reason we go along with it. You know, candy solicitation. Last weekend, I went trick or treating for the first time since I was in short pants (that’s an old phrase meaning I was a little kid). My whole family gathered on Saturday to watch Harmon play soccer, to celebrate my brother’s birthday, and of course to watch the kids build a huge cache of sweets.

We began the day watching my seven-year-old nephew Harmon and his team play soccer. It wasn’t the World Cup but entertaining nonetheless. The coach was admonishing his son to stop jumping around like a ballerina (to which he then demonstrated the objectionable movements). And then I commented that in the midst of all these kids with unusual names like Harmon, Cian, and Zino, there was a refreshing reminder of normalcy in a kid named Joe. His dad was sitting next to me and said it was only fair because he had a long, hard to pronounce (and remember) Italian last name. I’m so glad that stereotypes are alive and well in an Italian kid being named Joe. Thank God for traditionalists.

Anyway, fast forward to just after 6 p.m. as the family walked out the front door to go trick or treating. In their usual Roadrunner-like speed, my brother’s family managed to get to the first house—next door about 15 yards away—some time around 6:45 p.m. I admit some of that time was for a photo shoot but a lot of it was taken up by Harmon’s indecision and issues with the container he was going to use to collect candy. As his parents were going in and out of the house to try and solve this dilemma, he and I sat down and had a philosophical discussion about Star Wars characters and his and Grendel’s role as said characters for that evening’s rounds.

Harmon got a bit sensitive when I inaccurately stated he was a storm trooper. “I am a clone,” he said. “I thought they were the same thing,” I replied. “No, the clones fought for the good guys—the Republic—and the storm troopers were turned by the Sith.” He then got upset because he figured everyone was going to make that same mistake. Because the Crowe kids were all garbed in Star Wars outfits (Julia was Darth Vader and Tyler was Luke Skywalker or a “rebel engineer” whatever that is) we decided that Grendel should play along, too. I thought Chewbacca was a good idea seeing how they are both furry and make the same kind of moaning sounds but once I said Jabba the Hut, Harmon was stuck on that. There was no outfit or anything, we just pointed out to the candy-givers the rolls of fur on Grendel’s neck and said, “He’s Jabba the Hut.”

When we reached the third house and Harmon announced in what I can only describe as a not-so-secret code that he had to “squeeze the lemon” I knew it was going to be a long night. And shortly after that when it started to rain and Harmon asked all the grown ups “who would like to volunteer to carry my blaster” I knew that next year I was going to go back to standing in my doorway and giving out the candy. But not like the creepy guy who made the kids sing a song and pick the candy out of the bowl he kept on his lap. There’s a fine line between being fun and being a weirdo.

I hope everyone had a happy Halloween. I was going to have a contest to vote on who had the cutest costume but only one person sent me photos, so her little ones win. Here are some cute kids in costumes.

PA310055_0303

Shannon's daughter Katherine the Cow

PA310056_0304

Shannon's son Charlie the Builder

Clone Luke and Jabba

the Clone, Luke, and Jabba

 

October 27, 2009

Swappin’ spit and other gross stuff.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Animals
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Like many of you, I’ve been suffering a bit from various ailments this fall. I don’t think I’ve succumbed to the now famous swine flu but my cat did sneeze in my face yesterday and I’m hoping there isn’t a feline flu epidemic about to happen with me being patient zero.

So I’m trying to keep things clean but I have to say that the germ warfare going on out there is scary. I just read an article about grocery stores and how disgustingly dirty shopping carts are. It never occurred to me but it should have. Turns out they are dirtier than public bathrooms. Why I read these articles, I don’t know. Now I’m freaked out and am going to be obsessing over that every time I go shopping. And I’m not really an obsessive type (at least in this area of life).

It makes you wonder how we even survive. We go about our days swapping our germs and dirt yet somehow we get through it. I guess the best we can do is wash our hands of the whole mess. (Okay, ouch, bad pun.) Stay healthy folks, and watch out for your cat, she may have picked something up from the bag of cat food that was in that gross shopping cart.

pig

 

October 24, 2009

The unflappable, unassuming, unsung holiday.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under holiday
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I believe I’m one of very few people on earth who know what holiday falls on October 24. Don’t ask me how I know—I’m just really smart that way. Or maybe because October 24 is also a personal holiday for me. Are you sufficiently intrigued? Ready to find out what it is? Sitting on pins and needles? Drum roll please…

It’s United Nations Day.

Crickets…

Please at least tell me that you know what the United Nations is. If not, I implore you to look it up. I’ll even give you the link to their Web page. http://www.un.org.

Okay, so maybe that was anti-climactic. But here’s the thing. It’s supposed to be an international holiday. So if it’s a holiday, where is our day off? Where are the barbeques, the fireworks, and the parades? At the very least we should be talking about it and telling our kids about it. After all, the UN’s mission is pretty impressive. Its Web site explains that “The United Nations is an international organization founded in 1945 after the Second World War by 51 countries committed to maintaining international peace and security, developing friendly relations among nations and promoting social progress, better living standards and human rights.”

And just in case you need some proof to show your employer why you should get the day off, here is the proclamation claiming October 24 as a holiday. Happy United Nations Day everyone!

UN resolution copy

 

October 22, 2009

All aboard! (Even the crazies.)

Posted by Grendel's Mother under manners, travel, unemployment
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Do you ever watch those stories on the news about weird or tragic events or stories about crazy people causing a lot of chaos and wonder if you’ll ever be caught in the middle of one? I lead a pretty unassuming kind of life so I feel like I’m usually standing on the outside looking in at those events.

Well today as I hopped onboard the DC Metro train I thought I’d look around to find out what people left on the floor and seats and see if that would make a good story. (Last week I saw a stocking and some other random items and started getting curious.) But as luck would have it I was inspired not by the discarded items of my fellow commuters but by a crazy woman.

Now don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand it when people get on the train (or plane, bus, etc.) and play their music so loud that I can hear it. In fact just last month I was about to reach over and ask a gentleman to turn down his iPod until I heard that he was listening to that song, Land Down Under. The song choice was so not what I expected that I just laughed and tapped my toes. But I digress.

The guy who got on the train today was playing something (the people around me said it wasn’t music it was noise) loudly and the whole car could hear it. As much as I didn’t like that I also didn’t appreciate the lady sitting next to me who screamed over the aisle to tell him to “Turn that s*&t down.” A moment later we were subjected to listening to her yell at him again. I’m certain he did not hear or see her. When she told him that he had 60 seconds before she would stop the train, I proceeded to get into my tackle position. You see, I was on my way to an interview and there was no way I was going to let her stop me from getting there on time.

I’m not sure she heard me when I told her, “You’re not going to stop this train.” But the guys next to me heard me and I could tell they were going to support their new favorite quarterback if the situation arose. Thank goodness the offending iPod blaster got off at the next stop because I was starting to envision the evening’s news clip. “Desperate Job Seeker Tackles Crazy Cursing Woman on Metro.” She must not have been from around here because everyone knows you don’t mess with DC commuter traffic. Anyway, next time I’ll get the scoop on those stockings.

 

October 19, 2009

It’s raining, it’s pouring, my dog is still snoring.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Uncategorized
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I’m sitting here trying to find something interesting to write about and have come up short. I thought about writing down the things my dog thinks about during the day but that post would be about three words in length.

So after experiencing several cold and rainy days, I decided to debut the poll option on this blog. I don’t get a lot of comments on my blog but maybe you kind folks would consider partaking in the poll. I can’t track you down and won’t use your personal information for anything (because I don’t have it and wouldn’t want it). So don’t worry about any privacy issues. Your opinion counts—and you can do it nice and quiet like. Come on! Play!

 

October 17, 2009

Even God uses PR and marketing professionals.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under God, marketing
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Church marketing? It may seem weird to think of a church conducting marketing but it makes sense. After all, God wants us to spread the good news and to do that it helps to invite people to come hear about it at church. I attend Fairfax Community Church and their creative department does a really nice job on not only their direct marketing pieces but also the set designs, videos, and all the other creative elements that can be seen in and around the building.

But some churches are too small to be able to print shiny brochures or even mail letters. They sometimes rely only on the marquee outside their building (and maybe some word-of-mouth viral marketing mixed in with some help from the Holy Spirit). Lately I’ve seen some pretty funny messages on some of these marquees. It just goes to show you that God will you use your gifts with whatever tools you have at your disposal. The first rule of marketing is to get people’s attention and these are some signs that got mine. (I wonder if the pastors’ sermon deliveries are as good.)

  • America needs a faith lift.
  • God answers knee mail.
  • Tomorrow’s forecast—God reigns and the Son shines.

Now, I know this isn’t relevant to church marketing but it relates to signage so I’m going to fit this in. The people at Wal-Mart could learn a lesson from this post about writing smart signs. Seriously, who is the genius who posted these two signs together? Communication is key. And so is the Word. Want to come to church with me next weekend?

 

No parking but turn off your engines while parked. Huh?

No parking but turn off your engines while parked. Huh?

 

October 14, 2009

I see dead people animals.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Uncategorized
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Every driver has on occasion seen a dead animal lying in the road. Some of you may even find it sporting to try to hit the fast-moving and indecisive squirrel (I am not among those of you that do). This last week I noticed an unusually large number of dead animals of various species lying on the road. And on my way home from Delaware the other day I counted six—yes six—dead deer. 

I’m the type of person that looks for patterns. It helps me figure out how to better market products and services when I can see patterns in buying behavior. I’m also a fan of Lost and Fringe if that gives you any idea of how my mind works. So the abundance of road kill made me think it would be a good idea to research this “multitude of dead deer on the road” phenomenon and see if the pattern of fur-lined concrete was a sign of something or just bad luck on the part of our four-legged friends.

At first I thought maybe it had to do with budget cuts in the state governments and therefore not enough workers to pick up the carcasses. If that’s true then we need some of those Michiganians to come down and pick up dinner for the family. (They do that up there, ya know.) But then I found an article on WTOP’s web site that stated, “As deer become more active during the breeding season that runs from October to mid-December, they begin to cross roads more often.” Kind of a weird coincidence that it’s breeding season and cars are killing off the population. Maybe it’s the deer version of the Darwin Awards. The deer that cross route 50 without looking are the dumb ones that are weeded out of the gene pool.

So I don’t know what to tell you except try to avoid big carcasses in the road, look out for the glowing eyes when it’s dark, know that they travel in packs, and if you’re in Delaware, “animals killed on state maintained roads should be reported to the Dead Animal Crew for their removal.” Hmmmm. Possible new career choice—dead animal crew. There seems to be lots of work to be done in that area.

And just for fun, if you’ve never seen the movie Tommy Boy, here is a clip that makes me laugh every time I see it. Unfortunatley the editor cut out the best part when Chris Farley says, “I swear I’ve seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that…was…awesome.”

 

October 8, 2009

From the beltway to the Blue Ridge.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under states, travel
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I continued my travels through the USA the other weekend with a road trip through a pretty part of Virginia. Once you get out of the Northern Virginia suburban cities and away from the toxins (meaning the cars not the politics, although a break from that is nice, too), mad drivers, and mini malls, you get to see in the distance the Blue Ridge mountains. It’s the beginning of fall but the colors haven’t really changed yet, so maybe another trip in a week or two would be good for the soul.

I have to admit I did not realize there were so many wineries in Virginia. The vineyards dot the landscape along with the dark fences and gently sloping hills. And I blew through Madison County but did not see any bridges. I ended up in Charlottesville but did not get to see the famous historical landmarks. Maybe next time I’ll visit Monticello and Montpelier.

This visit was reserved for catching up with friends, which I told you about in a previous post. On my way home on Sunday I took my time and stopped along the road to take some pretty photographs of the area just east of the Shenandoah Valley. I also have a thing about taking photos of small post offices. So I got plenty of them driving through rural Virginia.

I encourage you out-of-towners to visit VA and those who live here to take some drives around this beautiful Commonwealth.

 

October 6, 2009

Win, place, or show.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Animals, Friends
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Last weekend I went out to Middleburg, VA with some friends to watch the steeplechase races. It’s a really fun experience if you’ve never done it before. Imagine hanging outside in beautiful weather overlooking a large, green field with mountains dotting the landscape. There you are laughing with friends, eating catered food, and drinking wine and good beer. It’s tailgating but dressed better. Every half hour there’s some action to watch. Betting is done within groups and everyone puts two dollars into pot.

This year I won the first race. My strategy is simple. I look at the statistics of the horse’s previous races, the jockey’s record, and how they look in the paddock. Okay I’m kidding; I pick the horses based on their name and what “speaks” to me. Erin Go Bragh spoke to me because I’m part Irish and it’s always cool to bet on the Irish. So I split that pot with three others and managed to lose all the remaining races. My friend’s eleven year old won the biggest pot that day and walked off with all our hard earned dollars. Maybe I would have done better if I wasn’t relying so much on the advice of her three year old sister.

One thing about betting is that you need to be prepared to lose. I am a huge competitor so it did irk me when in the fourth race my horse came in last place. But it’s really fun to see them sprinting down the stretch. They are beautiful, powerful animals and it’s exciting to see them go.

I don’t really have any funny thoughts or deep insights on this. Just reflections on a nice Saturday afternoon in Virginia. And my fingers are crossed for tonight’s mega-millions drawing. Tootles!

 

Down the stretch

Down the stretch

My advisor

My advisor

middleburg races

 

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