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April 4, 2012

When the world stopped.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Family | Tags: , , , |
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Yes, I’m in a bubble. A bubble filled with images and memories of a brother and friend who I miss dearly. This man, my brother, Greg Crowe, was instrumental in my walk with Christ. He was a remarkable father to four beautiful children and a faithful, loving husband and son.

I’ve been trying to figure out what to write as I go through the textbook stages of grief. The loss on March 12 of our dear friend will change the world. It’s changed mine and it will certainly change for Zenia, Julia, Tyler, and Harmon as well as numerous family members and friends. Now I know just how painful it is when I hear someone else who has lost a close loved one. I’ve lost friends before but this is so different and so hurtful. 

I know that Greg is with Jesus in Heaven. I know his pain is gone and I’m glad of it. But I am struggling, I’ll admit it. I’m so sad that I can’t get to this place of happiness for him because I am still blinded by tears and I am struggling in my discussions with God.

I’ve been involved in a small group discussion about a book from our pastor Mark Batterson. It’s called The Circle Maker. I even started a prayer journal. As I wrote down my prayers over the past few months, I felt like I could endure and keep praying and felt assured that God would fulfill them. I admit I wasn’t sure if I was asking the right things but I was sure they all came from a good place in my heart.  

But then when Greg died I felt like God not only did not answer my prayers, he did things in His own way that made it hard to hope or pray for anything. When I asked Him to heal Greg’s back pain, I didn’t mean for God to take him to Heaven. When I prayed for Greg’s financial troubles to be fixed, I didn’t mean for God to take him to Heaven and leave the rest to us. When I prayed for reconciliation between Greg and his wife I didn’t mean for God to take Greg to Heaven and end permanently that relationship on earth.

So I’ll admit it. I’m afraid to pray for anything else right now. But I will and I have been.  

Because our life goes on and I need God more than ever. I need Him to get me through the days. I need Him to throw His comforting arms around my nephews and nieces and other family members.

I also need Him to heal my friends. I just found out that my old friend Beth has been fighting cancer. Jeez, what a week. But her call to me in my time of need despite her own tragedy reminded me of how good my life is. I’m not in top physical health but I don’t have cancer. I have a home and a supportive loving family and friends. And I know that someday I’ll see Greg again. I’m just seriously bummed that it may not be for a very long time.  

God I really miss him. This sucks. I’m confused and I think that’s normal. I don’t know how long it will be before I stop crying for him but I’ll keep praying. Even though I’m not sure why it happened or what God has in store. I just have to hope. Even when it seems like there is none. Keep your hope. Keep your faith. Keep asking God for help. It’s what Greg would want for all of us and it’s what he did every day of his short life.

In Loving Memory of Gregory M. Crowe
October 31, 1965 – March 12, 2012

If you are so inclined to help with Greg’s four young children, we are taking donations to help pay for immediate needs such as COBRA insurance, rent, and counseling. We have also set up a fund for the kids’ college. Please contact me or reply to this post if you wish to donate. And we very much need your prayers. God has given us many kind and wonderful friends who have been very supportive and we thank Him and them for everything.

An Excerpt from The Circle Maker by Mark Batterson:

By circling, I simply mean that you keep asking until God answers. I’m afraid we give up too easily, too quickly. One thing that has helped me stay consistent and persistent in prayer is a prayer journal. It’s the way I document my requests and His answers. It also insures that I give God the glory when He delivers.

Now let me offer one warning. God is not a genie in a bottle and our wish is not His command. His command better be our wish. Prayer isn’t about getting what we want from God. The ultimate objective of prayer is to discern and do the will of God. But if you pray in the will of God, for the glory of God, all bets are off. And what was true 2,000 years ago is still true: God honors bold prayers because bold prayers honor God.

 

 

 

December 3, 2011

The hells and loves of Christmas time.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Family, Friends, God, holiday, kindness, Love, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , |
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As usual, the Christmas season is bustling with activity. It started early this year because our team at work is providing Christmas gifts for a local family in need. This is something I cherish doing each year. I know we should be looking out for these families and children all year long, but at least we can make some kids smile on the morning of Christmas. I can see their faces in my mind—eyes wide open and smiles from ear to ear. And the parents must have a tug on their hearts as they see their kids enjoying presents like other American kids.

So in order to get presents for these kids, I needed to go to Toys R Us before Thanksgiving. Holy hell. A Saturday afternoon spent at that place in the holiday season is my version of what eternity in hell would be like. And to make things fun, God had a great laugh by making me go back to exchange both the gifts I got—on two different occasions. But I’ll tell you. It didn’t take away one bit from the absolute joy it is to give a gift to someone else. Especially a kid in need.

My nieces then asked a huge favor from me. They wanted to go shopping on Black Friday. I told them they owed me big. That was the day we were supposed to sleep in (or fake it while Grandma finds a way to make enough noise to bring the entire house out of bed). But no. I went shopping. On Black Friday. Kill me now.

After that I was beginning to have enough (not completely but near enough) of the material side of Christmas. That night we went to Longwood Gardens to see the Christmas displays. If you’ve never been, I highly recommend it. It’s so beautiful and the horticulturists who work there are master artists. Not just the display of lights but the various trees and flowers as well as the gingerbread houses and trains—oh my, it’s just so incredibly fun and breathtaking. I was so inspired I went out and bought more crap to decorate my house. Okay, so I wasn’t quite done.

But now, today, after spending a really fun dinner last night with friends and their adorable three-year olds, I started really thinking about the advent. I listened to a sermon online tonight about God’s will and plan for us and how we need to be ready and open for opportunities and to always seek His council before making decisions. So now I’m inspired for the right things. God. And preparing for this season when we celebrate the birth of Jesus. I’m going to light my advent wreath candle tomorrow and say a prayer. Something like this (note, this is something I got online from this Web site and it’s by Victor Hoagland, C.P.—the beginning part, the other part is by God via the prophet Isaiah):

As our nights grow longer and our days grow short,
we look on these earthly signs—light and green branches—
and remember God’s promise to our world:
Christ, our Light and our Hope, will come.
Listen to the words of Isaiah the prophet:

The people that walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
on those who lived in a land as dark as death
a light has dawned.
You have increased their joy
and given them gladness;
They rejoice in your presence
as those who rejoice at harvest,
as warriors exult when dividing spoil. Is. 9:1-2

Then all pray:

O God,
rejoicing,
we remember the promise of your Son.
As the light from this candle,
may the blessing of Christ come upon us,
brightening our way
and guiding us by his truth.
May Christ our Savior bring life
into the darkness of our world,
and to us, as we wait for his coming.
We ask this through Christ our Lord. Amen

So I thank you God for pressing upon my heart the true reason for Christmas. I pray for all of you reading this that you have a joyous Christmas filled with love and mercy and time spent with loved ones. Especially those wonderful children who bring so much joy to our life.

Now please don’t go without enjoying a little laugh from an old sitcom, Laverne and Shirley. This is Lenny and Squiggy singing a powerful message about the holiday!

 

November 6, 2011

It’s not what you carve, but who you carve with.

Posted by Grendel's Mother under Family, Friends, holiday, Love | Tags: , , , , |
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When life gets busy I tend to ignore things I need to do. Like posting to this blog. I can’t seem to find time to write and do all the things I want to do. Having been on the losing side of the recession, I am always very grateful to be employed, but too much of a good thing can have its downside. Like stress and fatigue. Add on to that physical therapy, doctor’s appointments, getting back into exercising, paying more attention to the Grendel dog who is showing his displeasure at being shunned by peeing in my basement, cleaning up after said incidents, and scrapbooking the past two and half years, and you’ve got reasons galore to not write on the blog.

I always say that people make priorities with their time. When you haven’t seen someone in awhile and you say you should get together (you know what I’m talking about), the truth is, you can see them—you just need to make it a priority. That’s not to say that all my wonderful friends are not priorities—they definitely get lots of “mind time”—that is I think of them often. And luckily I have been able to see some good friends recently—at the beach and up in Pennsylvania, here at home, and occasionally during the week. But I have to say that spending time with my family last weekend was a highlight. It was a cold, rainy day but we managed to have loads of fun. As much fun as I have with friends and co-workers, there was something really fun about our family time together. It’s precious and I thank God for the blessings he has bestowed on us. I’ve been thinking even more about that lately as several friends have lost loved ones in the past week or two.

One of the things I really like about my nieces and nephews is how they can enjoy time with us without having to play video games or spend a lot of money. We spent a small sum on some pumpkins and then the creativity of these junior artists took over as they carved their masterpieces. Each one of them had something funny and creative in mind for their Halloween projects. My little neighbor Cayden and his mama Tracie stopped by to help me carve my Cyclops pumpkin.

It’s the small things that count. The time spent with loved ones is precious. Through all the stress, the leg pain, the errands and chores, and travel for work, what I remember of this fall season are the days I’ve been able to spend with family and friends. A walk today with a friend, a block party, a weekend shopping with the girls, carving pumpkins, sitting on the sand getting the last of the summer rays—it’s been great.

Now that I’ve managed to get the neighborhood kids to toss my pumpkin in the woods (with great fanfare), it’s on to winter. What will the next adventure be? Don’t know yet but I’m sure something fun will happen with all these wonderful friends and family members!

I’m almost done scrapbooking, so maybe some interesting blog posts will crop up. Or maybe I need to get busy writing that novel. Or, maybe actually watching the dang Netflix video that’s been sitting on my TV for three weeks. Hmmm, so much to do, so little time. What’s keeping you busy these days? How do you decide what to do and what not to do? Anyone want to come clean my house? No? Okay, just come over and we’ll get started on the gingerbread house and holiday cookies! Happy fall!

 

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