Do you think this will get flagged by someone in some spy-like organization? Maybe I give myself too much credit—or self importance. Anyhow, I was thinking about torture after a little incident I experienced tonight. It’s one of those things I’m going to tell my co-workers about tomorrow because even though it’s embarrassing, it’s also funny and I can’t pass up sharing a laugh.

Over the years I’ve broken my arms four times, sprained my ankles, broken my toes, gotten stitches three times, had physical therapy on my shoulders, bruised my tailbone, tore cartilage in my rib cage, strained my knees, and … I’m sure there’s more but you get the idea. 

How did all that happen? Well here are some of the ways: skateboarding, roller skating, skiing, swimming, walking, driving, falling down the stairs, gardening, and watching a hockey game. What is that you say? I’m a klutz? Yes, I am. Except the hockey puck thing—that was not at all my fault.

The latest way I found to torture myself was a combination of cooking and eye care. Because I currently have an eye infection, I am taking my contacts out periodically. So, tonight after taking them out, I started cooking dinner. Some chili nachos to be precise. I spread some jalapeño peppers on the chips and then went to put my contacts back in. Trust me; I thoroughly washed my hands twice before picking up my contact and placing it on my eye. Here’s some advice for you. Jalapeño juice does not easily wash off. When I put the contact on my eye I felt an intense burning sensation. My already infected eye was now bright red and watering with jalapeño-induced agony.

So naturally I put the other contact in and went through it all again. Brilliant.

Next week the topic will be how not to kill yourself while typing.